Windows to the Past
by Winter Blake
Summary: Arthur hadn't understood why he was so unnerved whenever he read anything about Camelot. It was like he was reading stories about himself and he desperately wanted to correct the mistakes. Modern day reincarnation fic


**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin. **

**This is a little AU because Merlin is not immortal so he does not live forever waiting for Arthur. **

**Windows to the Past**

_Where the fuck am I? _That was Arthur's first cohesive thought. Eloquent. Merlin would surely laugh. Merlin. Where is Merlin? Where… oh right.

…

Officially Merlin and Arthur's first meeting at a café. Arthur was harassing some poor waiter when Merlin came up to him.

"Hey come on. That's enough," the stranger said.

"What?" Arthur asked dumbfounded.

"You've had your fun my friend."

"Do I know you?"

"Uh I'm Merlin."

Merlin? Wait did he actually know him? He seemed so familiar.

"So I don't know you?" Arthur says anyway.

"No."

"Yet you called me friend."  
"That was my mistake."

_Wow. Déjà vu_, Arthur thinks.

He had no idea.

…

_The dreams._ Dreams of gallant knights, and dragons, and Camelot- Arthur cannot remember a time when he did not have these dreams. He understands them now. But he didn't always.

When he was little Arthur once dreamt of a man. A man with dark hair, and blue eyes, and he was dying. Arthur could tell because he was pale, and weak, and shivering. And Arthur is a grown man, and wearing chainmail. He speaks to someone, and tells someone to take the dying man away so he could be saved. The dying man begs to stay, and it breaks Arthur's heart, but he has to go. So he does. A nine-year-old Arthur awakes the next morning crying hysterically. After an hour of his Nanny trying, and failing, to calm him down they had to call in his sister. His sister had been able to calm him down… eventually.

"It felt so real," nine-year old Arthur had mumbled into Morgan's shoulder, once his crying had ceased.

"It'll make sense one day," she had said, her eyes to old for someone so young.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing. But I can promise you that the man was fine. He lived."

"I thought dreams weren't real."

"Sometimes they are. Sometimes there windows to the past."

Arthur hadn't bothered to understand Morgan's gibberish until now.

…

"It's one in the morning Arthur. This had better be good," Morgan (Morgana?) complained sleepily over the phone.

"I remember," Arthur said. "_Everything_."

Morgan didn't miss a beat. "I'll be at your place in twenty."

…

"Do you ever feel like you were born in the wrong time?" Merlin asked one day. They were studying at Arthur's place. Merlin was pouring over his history notes, while Arthur read a thick, and boring book.

Arthur looked up- he hadn't quite registered the words. "What?"

Merlin gave a long-suffering sigh. "Have you ever felt like you were… I don't know… not supposed to be here? Like you belong in a different place or time?"

Arthur blinked. "Yeah. Yeah all the time."

He was glad he wasn't the only one who felt that way.

…

Arthur's memories had always lurked just beneath the surface, waiting to come up. When they did Arthur's mind had not been equipped to handle it. He awoke one morning and remembered nothing of the present. He didn't really remember the past either- just bits and pieces. He remembered the world, the time, but not the people. He had walked around scared shitless from the _things_ on the road. Monsters, machines, Arthur had no clue what they were.

And then he ran into someone. Literally ran right into them. He stumbled backwards a bit, and a blue-eyed boy smiled at him.

"What's going on? You look like you've seen a ghost."

_Merlin_. Yes. The boy's name was Merlin.

"I… I… where am I?"

"Have you been drinking?" Merlin asked, a crease forming between his eyes.

Arthur shook his head.

"Eat any brownies? Jane told me she made some."

"What's a brownie?"

Merlin laughed hysterically after that, and hadn't been able to calm down for some time. When he pulled himself together he threw his arm around Arthur and said, "You're on _something_! Let's get you home before a car runs you over."

"What's a car?"

...

The next morning Arthur awoke to a splitting headache and the smell of coffee. He wandered into the kitchen to find Merlin with a cup of coffee in his hand and another for Arthur.

"What the fuck happened last night?" Arthur asked as he collapsed onto the chair opposite Merlin.

"I was hoping you could tell me," Merlin said. "You seemed to believe you were a knight from the dark ages."

And suddenly the memories from the day before came crashing down, and Arthur decided he had suffered from temporary insanity. He didn't need to tell Merlin that though.

"I took a bunch of these pills some kid gave to me. Didn't know they would be so… potent," Arthur shrugged. He was good at lying.

Merlin looked like he was ready to strangle Arthur with his bare hands. "Just… just be more careful next time. When I called you a prat you threatened to put me in the stalks!"

Suddenly a flash of Merlin in the stalks and smiling came to Arthur. He made up something to get Merlin out, and promptly collapsed onto the floor, unable to take the onslaught of memories.

…

"Are you okay? I know sometimes the memories can be… overwhelming," Morgan (Morgana? Arthur was _so _confused) said. They were sitting in Arthur's living room, the atmosphere tense.

"I think I past that stage. I've adjusted I guess. I used to wake up and only remember being King Arthur. It would sometimes only last a few minutes. The longest it lasted was a day."

"When did you remember everything?"

"Tonight. I remembered most but there were bits and pieces still missing. And I woke up and everything _fit_. I thought I was crazy before."

"Any idea what triggered this?"

"Triggered what?"

"Your memories to resurface."

"Merlin obviously."

Morgan smiled. "Of course he did."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh nothing. And just so you know, he doesn't remember anything."

"What?"

"He's never remembered."

"What do you mean _never_?"

"Oh please Arthur. This isn't our first reincarnation. One of our early reincarnations was during reign of Henry the VIII- don't worry you weren't him. I was Anne Boleyn and you were my brother George Boleyn. Merlin was a peasant- he worked for you. Some things never change I suppose."

"Excuse me?"

"Our last was during World War II. You and Merlin both fought in the war. You both died. Merlin first- which was kind of a twist because you've always been the first to die."

"What?"

"You won't remember any of this. You can only remember two lives. I think minds aren't equipped to handle that many memories or something. Well yours anyway. Merlin never remembers."

"And you remember everything?"

"I guess cause I'm a seer and everything. I'm not quite sure. In every life you've had dreams of Camelot, but you only ever remember fully when you meet Merlin."

"And he knows nothing?"

"Nope."

"Nothing at all?"

"Completely free of all past life memories."

"He's the greatest sorcerer to ever live. Surely he can remember if I can."

"Well you know him better then anyone. All I know is in every life he's been utterly clueless. Last life you thought he was repressing the memories or something, but that was just a theory."

Arthur would think on that later. He needed to discuss a more pressing issue.

"What about you?" He asked turning to Morgana- because she was _Morgana_.

Morgana's face was a mask of guilt. "I was crazy Arthur," she said. "You have to believe that it isn't me anymore. I've tried to make up for it. That's why I run my charity, and-"

Morgana doesn't have a chance to finish, because Arthur is hugging her. He's never liked unnecessary physical contact but he has his sister, and she isn't evil or crazy or trying to kill him. He figures if there is a time to hug anyone that moment was it.

…

"Where are the others? Are they…"

"They are apart of the cycle," Morgana said knowingly.

"_The cycle_?" Arthur asks, eyebrows raised.

"We are always together in every life."

"Right…"

"I'm pretty sure you know Gwen. And Gwaine goes to university with you, but I guess you haven't met yet."

"Do they… do they remember?"

"Yes. I've spoken to Gwen already. Gwaine spoke to Gwen, he doesn't trust me."

"Gwen…"

"Leon is here to. I haven't met him but I've tracked him down. I know where everybody is."

"That's… slightly creepy. Wait when did you remember?"

"I must have been seven or eight. I was young. I'm always young. I thinks its because I'm a seer."

"But you're not sure?"

"No."

"Does father remember?"

Morgana shook her head sadly. "No. He remembered during our first reincarnation. He tried to kill Merlin. I… I had to place a spell on him so he would never remember. He went mad. You had to kill him before he killed Merlin."

Arthur wasn't sure what he was supposed to say to that.

"Arthur… some things stay the same in every life, and some things change."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you chose your fate. Don't do what you did before just because. Do what you want."

"I don't understand."

Morgana smiled sadly. "You will."

…

When Arthur meets Merlin he feels right, _complete_. It's as if he had gone through life with something missing inside of him, and when he met Merlin it had been filled.

…

Arthur is dating Gwen. They've already had the awkward past life talk and Arthur decided to give it a go. Gwen had asked when he remembered and Arthur had said, "it just happened."

"I've known since I was fourteen. How come it took you so long?"

"I'm not sure." Arthur wasn't sure why but he didn't want to tell her that it had been Merlin. Merlin was the reason he remembered.

Merlin was the reason for his everything.

…

When Arthur was still a boy he found _The Once and Future King_ and started to read it. He'd heard of Prince Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, but he knew next to nothing.

In the end he couldn't finish the book. It had been as if he was reading a gossip magazine or something.

_No- no that's not true. _

_ That isn't how it happened! _

Arthur hadn't understood why he was so unnerved whenever he read anything about Camelot. It has as if he was reading stories about himself and he desperately wanted to correct the historical errors.

But there were no historical errors. Camelot hadn't even existed.

…

Arthur tries everything he can think of to get Merlin to remember.

Nothing works.

…

Hunith has never been reincarnated. According to Morgana Merlin is usually orphaned at a young age, but sometimes he's born into one of their families. He was Gwaine's younger brother once, and another time he was Percival's cousin.

In this life Merlin had been orphaned, and had a younger brother. Arthur hadn't thought of his little brother once until he came to visit.

"Arthur!" Merlin said happily as he slid next to Merlin in the booth at their café (the one they had met in during first year). An eerily familiar young man sat in the booth opposite and simply stared at Arthur. "This is my brother Lance. He's come to visit me."

Lancelot looks completely unnerved, and Arthur knows that he remembers. Now how to tell 'Lance' that he also remembers without freaking out Merlin.

"Lance hu? Like Lancelot?"

Lancelot's eyes grow comically wide and Arthur has to hold back a laugh. "That's pretty old school hu? Merlin and Lancelot- like the legend."

Merlin laughs but Lancelot is still staring and Arthur. He clears his throat. "Uh… Merlin and Arthur, hu? That's even worse. It's like were living in Camelot."

_Smooth Lancelot. Real smooth. _

"You should meet his girlfriend Guinevere!" Merlin smiles and Lancelot's mouth drops open. "It's kind of funny actually. Arthur and Guinevere."

"We call her Gwen," Arthur mumbles, and then says more loudly, "I think there is a Gwaine on campus. Wasn't he one of the Knights of the Round Table? We should find him and start are own."

_Now who's smooth_ _Arthur. _

…

They're both a little drunk and Arthur's place is closest, so Merlin crashed there. Arthur is awoken by screams.

…

"Long time no see Princess!"

"Nice to see you Gwaine."

"So how's Merlin."

"He doesn't remember."

"_What_?"

…

"I'm sorry, am I supposed to now you?"

"You would not recognize me in this form," the strange man says. There is something _animalistic _about him.

"In your time I was called Kilgharrah. The dragon you believed to have slayed."

Arthur can't say anything. All he can do is stare like an idiot at the dragon turned man.

Kilgharrah chuckles. "Merlin does not remember."

"Yeah I _know_ that."

"He still possesses the memories."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"Make him remember. And when he does, tell him to summon me."

The mysterious man turns away from Arthur.

"What are you doing? You can't just show up and say those things and then leave!" Arthur screams.

The arsehole hole just keeps walking.

…

Arthur walks in on Gwen and Lancelot snogging one day. He can't bring himself to care.

…

"You're a clotpole," Merlin says, and Arthur freezes.

"Did you just call me a 'clotpole'?"

"Yes."

Arthur isn't sure whether to laugh or to cry. Merlin's memories are in there somewhere. He knows it.

…

Merlin is half asleep and crying, and Arthur just holds him.

"What's wrong? Please tell me what's wrong," Arthur begs him.

"I… I c-can't."

"Shhh. Shh. It's okay. It's okay."

Arthur just holds him a little tighter, and in the morning Merlin remembers nothing.

…

Arthur finds out from Lancelot that Merlin has had nightmares all his life.

"I think he used to keep a dream journal. I could try and find it for you if you like," Lancelot says.

"Do you know what the dreams are about?"

"No. They got really bad when he was about thirteen. He would just wake up crying. He would cry in his sleep. Begging for someone to come back to him."

"Who?"

"Never heard the name. But I think he meant you."

…

Arthur has spent the last few days trying to decide how to bring this up. Finally he stops thinking and just does it.

"When I was little I used to have these terrible nightmares. You ever have nightmares?" Arthur asks. There in Merlin's dorm watching an old Doctor Who episode and Arthur figures now is as good a time as any.

Merlin looks at him strangely- and Arthur just knows he's trying to decide whether or not to tell him the truth.

"Yeah," Merlin finally responds. "I used to wake Lance up at night, with my screaming and crying. He had bad dreams to, but not as much as me."

"Do you remember the dreams?"

"Nope. Not a bit. When I was little I kept a dream journal- but I don't think my dreams got bad until I was a little older."

"And you don't remember any of the good dreams or bad ones?"

"No. I don't see why it matters anyway. There just dreams."

"Dreams can be important."

"What were your nightmares about?" Merlin inquires.

"Some guy almost dying. I would send him away to save him and it… I don't. I just felt such pain when I woke up. And then another, with the same guy. He was injured- again- and we were attacked and the rocks fell and I was separated from him. I had a lot like those. Always about the same person being hurt or something/ Not really nightmares I suppose but… Morgan used to be the only one who could calm me down when I woke up."

"When did they stop?"

"Once I was eleven or so."

"And they didn't come back?"

"They did. Around the time we met actually. There gone now."

"How…" Merlin starts, "how did you get them to go away."

Arthur can't tell him that he hadn't gotten them to go away because technically he hadn't. He had just finally remembered his past life through the dreams and flashbacks. "I paid attention to them," Arthur says. What had Morgana said before? About Merlin repressing his memories? "I stopped trying to repress the dreams and accepted them, paid attention to them. I suppose I sort of embraced them." Not by choice, but Merlin didn't need to know that.

Merlin snorted, "You sound mad."

"Whatever. It worked didn't it? If you ever have a nightmare you should try it."

"I don't have nightmares anymore."

Arthur could see straight through the lie.

"Well either way you should pay attention to your dreams. Sometimes they tell you stuff."

"I'm sorry I think I have mistaken you for someone else because there is no way you are my Arthur. You've never been this… pseudo new age insightful."

Arthur smirks. "Blame my sister."

…

Arthur can't take it anymore and goes to find Gwen to interrogate her. He barges in on her studying in her dorm one day and all but kicks out her roommate.

"What's wrong with you Arthur?" Gwen asks. She looks nervous. She doesn't know that Arthur has seen her with Lancelot. She's probably nervous that Arthur might know of her cheating. Arthur and Gwen are still together, although Arthur doesn't know why. He's only with her because he feels he needs to be. He had loved her in one life, so why couldn't he in another?

"You were the only one of us alive when Merlin was."

"Hu?"

"After I died. We haven't found the others yet, and I was dead, and I need to know what happened to Merlin after I died. I usually ask Morgana about this but Merlin had stabbed her so she wouldn't know. That leaves you."

Gwen is staring at her hands, her cheeks red. "I don't really know. I mean I saw him a few times-"

"What do you mean a few times? Why didn't you look after him?"

"I had a kingdom to run, and Merlin didn't even live in Camelot anymore. He only came to visit a few times."

"Well… when you saw him how did he seem? What times did you see him?"

Gwen roles her eyes, "Is this really necessary?"

"Yes. Merlin remembers nothing I need to figure out why. So tell me."  
"He was… I don't know. Skinny?"

"_Skinny_? That's the best you can come up with. The idiot has always been skinny."  
"Yeah well I mean really skinny. It looked like he wasn't eating."

"_And_?"

Gwen heaved a sigh. "He was depressed Arthur. Do you really need to hear that? He was emaciated, and it looked like he hadn't slept in a while, and, I don't know he seemed _broken_."

"When did he first visit you?"

"About nine or ten months after your death."

"What did you talk about?"

"Not much. Gauis was dying so he had come to be with him. The only time we really spoke was when I asked what your last words were."

"My last words?"

"Yeah," there was a long silence in which Gwen seemed to be debating herself internally. "I'm not sure if I'm supposed to bring this up or not. I was never really sure if it was right or something, but thank you. You have no idea how much those words meant to me."

"_What_?" Hadn't his last words been thank you to Merlin? He remembered saying the words and then running his hands through Merlin's short black hair, and then nothing. He hadn't said anything about Gwen. He actually hadn't even thought of her at all. Why would she thank him for his last words being towards Merlin?

"Merlin told me that you said you loved me more then anyone, and could think of no one better to rule Camelot."

"He told you that?" _That liar._

"I was so broken up about your death, not knowing the details for so long. All we knew was that you were dead, and I thought Merlin might have been dead too. And I saw him and I needed to know everything. I asked Merlin if you had given any command for me to carry out. If you had wanted me to do anything in Camelot."

"Did you ever legalize magic by the way?"

"It was one of my first acts."

"Good."

Arthur isn't sure whether to go or stay so he starts to awkwardly look through Gwen's books.

"Merlin lied, didn't he? You didn't mention me when you died."

Arthur looked up into Gwen's sad knowing eyes, "No, I didn't," Arthur answered honestly.

…

Arthur decides to take Merlin home for Christmas, and though Uther doesn't remember anything it is clear he still has enough residual feelings towards Merlin to hate him.

_It's been over a thousand years Father. You think you would have gotten over this by now. _

…

Arthur never says it- not even to Morgana- but he missies the old days. He's always felt out of place in this world, and when his memories returned the feeling intensified. It didn't help that Merlin didn't remember anything. Their friendship was still the same, they still insulted each other, called each other names, and joked, and they felt the same way about each other, but there is something _off_. Arthur attributes this to the fact that Merlin is utterly clueless about a very important part of Arthur's life and of his own. Merlin won't be complete until he remembers, and if Merlin isn't complete neither is Arthur.

…

It is completely by accident that Arthur finds the scars. Merlin is reaching for the salt and his sleeve rides up, and Arthur _sees_. There are old white scars, but one in particular looks pretty bad, it's raised and jagged, not something that should be marring Merlin's skin.

"What are those?" Arthur demands taking Arthur's arm and pushing up his sleeve to look at his arm and examine the scars.

"Nothing," Merlin say tugging on his arm, but Arthur's grip is to strong.

"Don't lie to me Merlin."

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

"Don't worry about it?" Arthur asks incredulously. "Merlin it looks like you cut yourself!"

"It's nothing anymore."

"_Anymore_? When was it something?"

"Before I met you… well no not exactly-"

"What do you mean?" Arthur wants to punch Merlin.

"I stopped I guess a little bit after I met you. I haven't done it in a while Arthur. It really isn't a big deal."

"But… but why?"

Merlin shrugs. "It's hard to explain. I couldn't even explain it to myself at the time. I just… I always had this feeling of emptiness, you know? I really can't explain. It was like… remember how you told me you dreamt of some bloke when you were a kid? And how he was dying or hurt in your dreams and how much it hurt you?"

"Yeah…"

"Well I always felt like that. I always felt as if somebody important to me, the most important person actually, wasn't just hurt but _dead_, and like I couldn't go on. Except I never knew anybody like that, I just felt it." Merlin shakes his head. "You must think I'm mental."

"No. Not at all." And Arthur now understands why Merlin won't allow himself to remember.

…

"Did you die before or after Merlin?" Arthur asks Gwen.

"You're seriously asking me this?" Gwen asks, but Arthur knows she isn't really surprised. Arthur is always asking questions about Merlin's life after Arthur had died.

"Yes," Arthur responds impatiently.

"I died before him. He came to see me on my death bed."

"He did?"

"Yeah. I was the last of us to die before Merlin. All the knights had died before in battle or disease."

"And Merlin was the last one?"

"Yup. Don't know how though. He always looked as if he was ready to fall apart. Didn't look too healthy when I last saw him anyway. He probably died a little after me."

"Was he sick?"

Gwen shook her head, "he just wasn't taking care of himself."

Arthur stands to leave, "thanks Gwen. You've helped a lot."

…

Arthur wonders what he would have done had Merlin died. He wonders how he would have survived, and he honestly doesn't think he could have. Merlin had gone years without Arthur, and on top of that he had witnessed the deaths of all his friends. No wonder Merlin didn't want to remember.

…

"Ugh!" Arthur groans when his ringing cell phone wakes him up. "I hate people," he grumbles to himself. Nonetheless he picks up the phone and mutters a groggy, "yes?"

"Arthur," a small scared voice says on the other line, a voice Arthur recognizes to be Merlin's.

"What's wrong?" Arthur asks, instantly awake.

"I… I… those nightmares you used to have… did you ever figure out what the meant?"

"Yes."

"So you… you remember."

"You mean-"

"I figured out what mine mean. I remember everything."

Arthur finds himself repeating the words Morgana had once said to him. "I'll be over in twenty."

…

Merlin is furious with Arthur. "I can't believe you are making me do this!"

"It's only been two days _Mer_lin!"

"It feels like a lifetime! I've done my penitence. I'm sorry for everything! Just please don't make me be trained by George anymore."

"No, no, you must be trained properly," Arthur smiles.

"I hate you."  
"Is that anyway to talk to your king Merlin?"

"Oh I'm sorry. I hate you _sire_."

The door suddenly opens up and George is standing at the threshold.

"There you are Merlin. I've been looking all over for you. Come now, it is time for polishing."

Arthur clears his throat loudly. "I actually require Merlin's assistance today. I think the training can be put on hold for a bit."

"As you wish sire," with a bow George is gone.

"So what was it you were saying Merlin?" Arthur asks.

"I love you sire."

"Of course you do. Now go muck out the stables."

…

Arthur runs three red lights, and failed to stop at any stop sign on his way to Merlin's. He bursts through Merlin's door to find him sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. He hasn't noticed Arthur.

Arthur walks carefully to Merlin, and kneels down in front of him. "Merlin?" he says quietly, not wanting to frighten him.

Merlin looks up and it is clear that he has been crying. "Arthur?" Merlin asks in a voice that breaks Arthur's heart. Just saying his name Arthur knows what Merlin is asking. He's asking if what he has remembered is real or if he's crazy. He's asking if Arthur remembers. And he's asking if Arthur is really alive. He's asking Arthur if he isn't alone anymore.

"It's me Merlin," Arthur says, and then Merlin is in his arms sobbing uncontrollably, and Arthur is crying to because he has Merlin back.

"You were gone," Merlin sobs. "You were gone and I was alone, and I couldn't…"

"Shhh, it's okay now Merlin," Arthur soothes as he rubs Merlin's back. "I'm not going anywhere this time."

"I didn't go back to Camelot. I couldn't. I'm sorry I didn't protect Gwen-"

"It's okay Merlin. I understand and I don't care. I just care that you're here."

"You can't leave me again Arthur. I don't think I could handle it."

"I'm staying right here."

…

Merlin is still healing. He remembers everything now, and the years of solitude and the feelings of emptiness and grief way heavy on him. Arthur understands that it will take a while to recover from this, if he ever does. Arthur hopes that just being there will help Merlin.

After that night Arthur rarely leaves Merlin's side. They were never apart for long before (in any lifetime), but now there with each other constantly. Merlin moves into Arthur's flat, and Arthur changes his class schedule to make sure he has all of his classes with Merlin (good thing there both history majors). Merlin get's nervous when Arthur is gone for to long, and when Arthur came home one day to find Merlin having a panic attack, he made sure to stay with his friend at all times.

Gwen get's angry that Arthur spends all of his time with Merlin and the two agree to amicably split. Gwen is better with Lancelot anyway.

For now Arthur doesn't need a girlfriend, or a wife, or anything like that. He just needs Merlin, and more importantly Merlin needs him. Arthur figures that Merlin dedicated one lifetime to protecting him, and now it's Arthur's turn. He doesn't mind a bit.

Merlin may still be hurting but he's whole again, and now Arthur can be as well.

**Please R&R! I live for reviews!**


End file.
